I have two stories to tell.
The first is over a year ago, and the second is recent.
We will begin with the first. I’ve always been interested in psychedelics. Gateway drugs to the soul and what-not. We all have opinions on such matters and mine, is that experimenting with conscious states can only be a good thing. So I’ve read a few books on the topic: Tryptamine Palace, LSD: Doorway to the Numinous, and DMT: The Spirit Molecule. If you’re looking for a recommendation, read Tryptamine Palace then DMT: The Spirit Molecule. LSD: Doorway to the Numinous reads like an academic paper.
My eyes were on the lookout for a hook-up. Eventually, I got one. And my first trip was alone at my house. Not recommended for a first trip, but I had a narrow window. Unfortunately, my mother decided to come home that night from the beach and I freaked out. A phone call with a friend commenced for six hours.
That sounds disastrous. But I wouldn’t change anything about that experience. Everything happens for purpose. When my friend and I ended the phone call around one, sleep wasn’t coming. So I thought and meditated. And I wouldn’t change a single thing about that experience.
I fell asleep at two-thirty am and woke up at five-thirty am for the sunrise. I sat on my porch for three hours awakening with the day. Reflection blanketed my mind. Towards the end of the three hours, a fly landed on my ankle. Looking down with a grin I thought to myself, What can I learn from this fellow?
Perhaps patience. And so, rather than going inside, I proceeded to sit outside for forty-five minutes while this fucking fly just sat on my ankle. Yelling at him louder and louder in my head to get the fuck off my ankle so I could go inside, the fly rested.
Until eventually, my mind was thinking how ridiculous it was I was getting outlasted by a fly. And then; Maybe the lesson wasn’t patience? What if the lesson was Ego — what if the lesson was, it’s your Ego that is putting you through mental anguish right now. Simply because you didn’t want to be bested by a fly, you sat on your porch for forty-five minutes while mentally screaming.
And I understood. I thanked the fly, and stood up. He buzzed off.
That lesson stuck with me for months.
The second story took place over the past couple days. My girlfriend and I have been having a – cough, cough – gentlemanly and womanly challenge of perseverance. And because of that challenge, I’ve been becoming a tad — what’s the word? Bullish? Irritated? No, those words don’t fit. I’ll have to utter the words, sexually frustrated. Ouch. That hurt to write.
And last night, that culminated into me becoming an asshole. Not my girlfriend’s fault. I’d suggested the challenge. But I couldn’t buck the angry thoughts in my mind no matter how hard I tried. Meditating with my girl provided slight relief but it didn’t stay.
By the end of the night, driving home I texted my girlfriend I was home, I loved her, and I was going to bed.
I drove past the turn to my house blasting music. Eventually, I got lost in some neighborhood and headed back.
She texted me this morning a long text. One of those texts you just kind of need when you’re not in the right frame of mind. And writing my three pages of stream-of-consciousness writing this morning I realized — our desire to be with and love on the people we care about is the most important desire. Anything that taints that desire needs to be eradicated.
And the only thing keeping me in that gentlemanly competition was Ego. So often, Ego will fuck us. It says it is us. It says it has your best interests at heart, whispering into your mind that you’re great and deserve whatever you want.
That voice will kill relationships. Relationships with your family, friends, and especially your significant others.
Don’t let it fool you — Ego is the Enemy.
Help send me to Southeast Asia! Here’s the link to my gofundme page, any help is appreciated. And if you send me your email, I’ll write you a personal note thanking you for your contribution